i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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