do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
