I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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