how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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