i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
