her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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