I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
