I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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