I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
