i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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