I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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