on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
