I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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