Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
