Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
