We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
