The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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