Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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