He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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