she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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