im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
