omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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