im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
