I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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