weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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