I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
