They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
