god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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