He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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