I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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