You're a womanizer and a bitch.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
