Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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