I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
