The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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