Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
