dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
