Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize