K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
