I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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