Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
