I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
