Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
