Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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