As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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