as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
