I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
