Michael Bay diarrhea
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Two words: blizzard sex
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize