And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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