I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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