The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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