i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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