We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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