went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
