I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
