i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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