We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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