I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
