why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
