I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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