Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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