it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
