I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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