My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
